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My friend OCD, GRL, and a meandering post...

I probably haven't mentioned it before in this blog but I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder otherwise known as OCD. It wasn't intentional though I do tend to keep that detail to myself when possible. I have had it my whole life, it just didn't occur to me that I was any different from anyone else as I was growing up. I figured everyone else went through the same mental hurdles and rituals that I did. So, why am I mentioning it now? There are a couple of reasons actually. The first is that I wasn't going to write a post this week but here we are because my brain wouldn't shut the fuck up and let me do anything with my life today until this was complete.

Interestingly enough, my decision to skip this week was also a result of my OCD. You see, in two weeks I am flying to Portsmouth, Virginia to attend GRL. I made the decision to go a few months ago when I was cautiously optimistic that the re-release of Dra'Kaedan's Coven was going to jumpstart my writing career. I couldn't go as an author but I could attend as a reader and at the very least put names to faces of all the real writers out there in this genre while hopefully allowing others to see that I'm a real person and not trying to take advantage of a soul.

Meeting new people isn't an easy thing for me. I'm socially awkward at best and anything that makes me anxious (everything does btw) sends my OCD into overdrive but I was willing to force myself far outside my comfort zone. Loud, crowded spaces sometimes overwhelm me and I spend the whole time speaking to others wondering if I'm somehow offending them with every word. The one really cool thing is that one of my editors is going to GRL and I've never had the pleasure of meeting her. Hope's an incredible person and I know any time we are able to spend together will be fantastic. And, I figured it would be a fun time even if I didn't find a way to do much more than wave weirdly and offer an uncomfortable smile.

However, I'm in a different place now than I was at the start of summer. My book didn't do well. Up until the very last day it wasn't even my best month in terms of units moved which was my only goal. I wanted to get as many copies of that story into new hands as possible so they could love my guys the way I do. Why is that important? Because suddenly flying across the country (I hate flying!) to do a bunch of things that scare the shit out of me is turning me into the OCD monster who has accompanied me for over four decades. And I'm in a deep, dark sad place about the future of my career which is certainly not helping matters. In other words, I'm so annoying right now I am getting on my own nerves. If that weren't enough, there's a nasty voice that keeps telling me I don't have to go but I am trying not to listen.

Obsessively covering the same ground mentally doesn't leave a lot of room to do much else (besides pouring my heart into an OCD character who is probably going to handle his issues way better than me) so I couldn't piece together a blog post or so I thought. I decided that taking that off my shoulders for one week would make things easier. Instead, here I am before 8 in the morning unable to accomplish a damn thing (not even eating breakfast or getting some caffeine) writing this so I can relax. (Which is all kinds of hilarious since my stupid thought processes don't ever take a vacation.) This is probably a rambling bunch of nonsense and if you've read all the way to the end I apologize for this mess. It probably doesn't even make a coherent point. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting up with me.

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